Friday, July 4, 2008

Concern Trolling 101

I have a confession to make. I'm not a Clinton supporter turned Obama backer.

I'm just a lowly concern troll.

And yet, I'm a diabolical genius because I tricked nearly all of you. Naïve fools! But don't worry, I'm going to tell you how. I wouldn't want you to make the grave error of mistaking concern trolling for genuine support ever again. For all you Clinton supporters out there, let this diary be your guide to concern trolling. Obama supporters are all 13 years old, so even though I'm sitting here, flat out telling them I'm a concern troll, they still won't get it. Their young, puerile, undeveloped minds still won't process it - kids have poor reading comprehension, you know, and they all have ADD nowadays, anyway. Thank god we're all old, wizened, spinsters. So pull up a chair, put your 30 cats in your lap, and read carefully.

  • The first step in becoming a good concern troll is lying your ass off for about three months. Painful as it is, you're going to need to start complimenting Obama. Say he's a good candidate (a lie), talk about his good policy positions (bigger lie), and mention how cute he and his kids are together (EPIC LIE!). That's the key - praise the whole family, even though you're afraid of them because they're dark. I know this is hard, so pop a few pills and develop Percocet habit if you have to.

  • Now that you've got a few Obama supporters trusting you and thinking you're a decent Clinton supporter, you need to start consistently defending Obama. No matter what happens, you've got to have his back (publicly, anyway - privately, you're still hoping his campaign implodes). Brush aside all the faux scandals, even if you're cheering on the inside. Even though you know Obama viciously shot Hillary the finger, PRETEND like you think it's absurd! Granted, giving someone the finger means "f*ck you," which implies that Obama wants Hillary to be raped, but laugh about it, anyway!

  • Don't just defend Obama, defend his associates (like Wright), too. Pretend you respect Black Liberation Theology, even though you don't because black people are, as I said, often quite dark. Black Liberation Theology is frightening and uppity, but put aside your fears. Remember, you're safe in your home with your army of cats, and you had your dad record the message on your answering machine so that people would think a man lives with you. Black folks can't hurt you there.

  • Here comes the hardest part: Criticize your own candidate. Yes, you read me right. You're going to have to call Hillary out sometimes, even though you secretly approve of everything she does. Even if she wiped her runny nose on Obama's suit sleeve and stole his cufflinks, you'd still think it was totally cool, and you'd send her a massive donation as a reward. This is especially difficult because Hillary is GOD. But still, you're a great actress, so pick an issue, and agree with the Obama supporters when they criticize Hillary.

  • Pretend you don't watch Hillary at all her rallies and then go out and buy matching pantsuits. I know you do - we all do it - but you've got to pretend. That's the key.

  • Now you need to criticize other Hillary supporters. This sucks, and it's hard, but you need to call them out when they go after Obama harshly. They're right, of course, Obama is a secret Moozlimm!1!!!11!! But hey, ya gotta make some sacrifices. Piss other Clinton supporters off because it'll benefit you in the end, when you finally begin trolling.

  • When Obama supporters go after our girl, try to respond calmly. Fly off the handle occasionally, but not every time. If you're finding this difficult, there are several steps you can take. If by some miracle you still haven't entered menopause, go take a Midol for the vicious mood swings brought on by your raging periods. If you have begun menopause (very likely), go take your estrogen supplements and antidepressants. That should help you with your moodiness, hot flashes, and vaginal dryness.

  • When Obama wins the nomination, give him your blessing - supposedly because Hillary endorsed him, and he supports the same policies you support - but secretly keep on hating him. By this point, you've got most of the Obama supporters fooled, but you're not quite finished...

  • Join a group of Clinton supporters supposedly dedicated to getting Obama elected. Naturally, you're all plotting against him in secret, but few people will guess that because Obama supporters are infantile kids who still play with their food and gnaw on their gum wayyy too loudly.

  • Now write several diaries in defense of Obama. Attack McCain as much as possible, even if he's better than the crappy Democratic nominee. Also attack PUMA (a courageous and productive movement).

  • Donate to the Obama campaign. I know this is tough because you're all poor and uneducated, but you've GOT to take this step! It legitimizes your "support". It's all for a good cause, so when you get this email in your inbox, try not to vomit:

Dear * * *,

Thank you for your generous donation of $50.00.

Your gift will be immediately put to work building a campaign to change our country and our politics for the better.

Looking for more ways to get involved?

Head over to My.BarackObama where our growing set of tools puts the future of this campaign in your hands:

On My.BarackObama you can:

- build your own profile and connect with supporters near you

  • find or create your own local or national group

  • create your own personal fundraising page and track your progress

  • find events near you or plan your own

  • chronicle your campaign experience on your own blog

There will be much more to come in the weeks and months ahead thanks to your support.

Thank you again for your donation.

Obama for America

  • Now that you've fooled at least 90% of the Obama supporters, commence trolling! Write a diary criticizing Obama on one or two of his positions! It will help if you choose a stance (like the FISA compromise) that at least 16,000+ of his real supporters are also angry about! This is very clever, and you are full of win. To make sure you keep fooling people, be sure to praise Obama a great deal during that same concern troll diary. Contrast him with McCain and talk about how much better Obama is. This is another lie, but don't worry about it. Lying rules, and you're awesome at it.

If you take all of these steps, you'll soon become a successful concern troll just like me! If any Obama supporters managed to read this entire diary, please ignore what I just said and go back to your video games. Take your Ritalin and get out of my hair (which smells like cat litter because I have a million cats, which keep breeding because I can't afford to spay and neuter them because I'm so stupid and broke). Clinton supporters, remember that we're all WINNARS, and take satisfaction in knowing you've tricked most of Bambi's cult followers. A few geniuses will figure out your game, but that's very rare. For the most part, you win. Now go feed your cats. They're starving.

This is you... after your big WIN!11!!!!1!

And one final note:

Go McCain!


Anonymous said...

You have to admit that guy was pretty smart to uncover our evil plot.

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